I am watching Army Wives and literally bawling my eyes.
I miss my battles. I miss the feeling of knowing that I am doing something good and worthwhile. I miss my uniform. I miss my weapon. I miss my Army. I have to go back. At the start of my relationship, way back when it was new and unseasoned, J didn't want me in the Army. He didn't want me in the military. The idea of defending his country was noble. His parents were/are vets. The idea of his woman sweating, humping rucks, getting blistered feet, and if I am being completely honest, being surrounded day in and day out buy 100s of men just didn't agree with him.
So many people question why a woman would want to join the military. They assume she is after 1 of 3 things.
J at least, had the decency not to say what he was thinking. I knew though. Every woman ho has every worn a uniform knows what men are thinking when the tilt their head to the side and their mouth takes on that sneaky, *I know what you did last summer* type smirk.
Not everyone has J's decorum though.
I was speaking to a drunk friend one day and you know the saying, "A drunk mouth speaks the words of a sober mind" it rang true when he told me, "You are just like every other girl that joins the military." "You are going for the men." "You are going to have sex with so many soldiers and eventually you will find one that you like well enough to marry." Obviously he said some other things that don't need repeating.
The point is, this isn't just his view. A lot of people feel the same way. Before I go defending the fairer sex, I will defend my own position, though I really don't need to. I was having sex with with military members long before I thought about joining the military myself. I certainly didn't need to sign a contract with the Army to get into the ACU's of some hot stud GI. I'm a woman. I don't need to put much effort into getting laid. Joining the Army, going through basic training/AIT,deployment.... for the sake of a tumble in the sand box???????????
My reasons for joining the military are always questioned, dissected. I joined the Army because I was tired of school. It was no longer enjoyable to me so completing it was no longer a viable option. I joined the Army because I was lost,and it gave me purpose and a sense of direction. I joined the Army because men and women whoa re far better human beings than I will ever be, laid down their life for this country. I joined the Army because after taking, and taking, and taking from America's basket of plenty, I realized that if everyone continues taking but never gives back, America will wither away into nothingness. We will be nothing. If everyone assumes that someone else will do it. it will never get done. So, if not me, who is going to step forward and take responsibility for protecting and defending this nation? I joined the Army because no matter the outcome, I want to be able to say that I fulfilled my duty and served my country. Our freedom and our way of life is important enough for me to fight for. I did it because the discipline that the military teaches can't be bought. I did it because I wanted to and nobody has the right to judge me harshly or question my intentions.
If in fact, I had joined the Army for the money, the soldiers, the uniform, the potential for membership into the secret society whose initiation includes secret greek orgies in the barracks, as long as I was capable of doing my duty in a military manner.... it would be nobody's business but my own.
That is not to say that some women don't join the military to be around military men but that is no different from the men who join the military to acquire the uniform that gets them women.
I will fight and die for this country. The only other thing that those words ring true for is family. I will fight and die for my family. If I don't fight for this country, what legacy will I be leaving them?
J isn't happy about it. He pretends. He pretends like he understands. He doesn't and that's ok because he accepts it. He accepts it and he encourages me to do what I need to do to be at peace with myself.
So I watch Army Wives and cry, knowing that one day, that will be me, the spouse leaving behind a husband and children to march off to fight America's war, take her stance, and defend her honor