Friday, July 22, 2011

Long time no see!

I just started this blog and already I am getting a little slack. I have tons going on in my off the net life right now. The child custody thing that I mentioned earlier is about to start. I am incredibly stressed out about it. I know that He Who Must Not Be Named is going to turn into this person that I don't know and say really horrible things about me. It is going to be ugly and so many people are going to be left wounded. Most importantly, Belle. I spend a lot of time stressing about it and worrying if I am doing the right thing. I have seen how it sometimes leaves the child a shell of who they were before the battle started. I don't want that for her. She is my baby and I want her happy.

J has been absolutely amazing, as always. He keeps telling me that even though it will be hard, there is nothing to stress out about. This HAS to happen. I know that. That knowledge doesn't make it any easier though.

When you have a child together, you are expecting to live out your life with that person, raise your baby, TOGETHER, with that person. I am absolutely an advocate of marriage before babies and divorce not an option. Even in the face of that, I knew that my ex husband was not my forever. No matter how I tried, I could not force myself to imagine growing old with him, taking care of him if he got sick, devoting my life to his happiness and wholeness. The simple fact of the matter, with no juicy details, is this: we were wrong for each other. We both knew it. Still, we chose to proceed with our faux relationship.

The only thing worth having that came from the relationship was our baby. She is so beautiful. Even with her newfound attitude, thinking she is always right, rolling her eyes, my baby is perfect.

She has started to ask me some very difficult questions. "Why aren't you still married to Daddy?" "Why do I have two homes?" "But I just have one really big family, right?" I put her in the position to have to ask those questions and so, with a lot of guilt, I answer them for her. I told her that some people will say that she comes from a broken family. That's not true. What they can't see is that we just picked our family pieces, so that they would fit together perfectly.

I hope that in the future, when she finds herself struggling, she thinks of her family as many pieces that were sutured together to make a whole part. Not broken.

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