Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A full plate

My plate is so incredibly full right now.

I am still waiting for the dreaded email from He Who Must Not Be Named to let me know, in not so nice words, that he has been served by the Sheriff with my paperwork. It was sent out on Friday. I decided to overnight it so I don't know why it is taking them almost an entire week to serve him. I've been holding my breath and I kinda need oxygen!!

I am still dancing around the "I'm pregnant, i'm not pregnant" circle. Although, I guess, after 3 months with no aunt flow and a faint positive pregnancy test, I already know. My body has really been hating me for the past year though so I don't want to get my hopes up again just to be let down.

I decided to sign up for a medical sonography course because if I am pregnant, obviously I can't leave for the Army until 6 months after I have given birth. Yes, I said it. 6 months after I give birth. If I am going to leave for 5 months, i'd rather it be sooner as opposed to later. My first semester starts in less than a week and I am nowhere close to prepared. It's a mess.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

How did I get here?

I have gone back and forth this morning, from feeling too much to feeling numb. I signed a contract retaining legal counsel. I am petitioning for sole custody of my daughter. I never thought I would be here. I keep looking back on the past almost 5 years of her life, trying to see if I can pinpoint the exact moment when I took a turn that led me to the worst.

I was not blameless in our marriage. I did a lot of things I shouldn't have done. I said a lot of things that had no business being said. He was my husband and I didn't trust him. I didn't like him. I didn't love him. I was 17 years old married to and pregnant by a man 30 years older than me. I had stepchildren that were older than me by as much as 10 years and younger than my by as little as 2 years and as much as 9 years. I was not equipped at that age to be a wife or mother. I am not playing the victim but the situation was inappropriate and I certainly wasn't the only one responsible.

The likelihood of our marriage surviving was probably 0.01%. If I am being completely honest with myself, the chance of our marriage surviving was at about 0%. Most of my marriage, I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for us to go our separate ways. In my mind, I held on to the belief that when it came time to do that, we would do so amicably. I told myself over and over again that we would not be that couple. We would get along for the sake of our daughter and his children. We wouldn't become bitter and hardened. I honestly thought that the two families would be able to be friends. When I knew that Belle would be spending significant amounts of time with J, I tried to do the right thing. I wanted the two of them to be meet.

J and I were both in the state where He Who Must Not Be Named lives. I was there for school and J was there for work/vacation. I was missing J terribly and crying myself to sleep at night because I was hating being away from him so we decided that I would stay with him at his hotel for a few days. Knowing that I was going to be with him for a few days, I called He Who Must Not Be Named and asked him if he would like to meet J. He agreed.

When he got to the hotel I assumed that we would all go out to the aquarium and then maybe grab a bite to eat. He said that he couldn't stay for that long so I suggested we eat at the hotel just so that everyone could exchange pleasantries and see each others face. Instead, what ended up happening was something else entirely.

He Who Must Not Be Named refused to come into the hotel. He stepped out of the car, shook J's hand, let J say hello to Belle and her brother, and that was that. He informed me that his mother wanted him to come home. Are we 4?! Because he still lives with his mother, she pretty much dictates his life. In fact, I believe that she is a huge factor, in our inability to settle this outside of court. I have asked many times since then and somehow, our getting together has never happened. Maybe it's because he thinks I will respond negatively towards his gf, fiancee, wife, whatever she is. Her being an ex stripper is her business. We each do what we feel we have to in order to take care of our children. If that's what she needed to do to feed her child, that's her business. I don't care about her at all except when it comes to her relationship with MY child. I want to meet her. I want to know that she has Belle's best interest in mind. Whatever his true reasons, I accept the he didn't want to meet J. I would like for him to understand why I want to meet the woman who will be his partner.

Very little good came of our marriage. The only good actually, is our daughter. I look at her and I see the world's potential. I want him to know who I allow into our daughters life. I want to know who he is bringing around our daughter. I want us to be able to attend school functions together and to just work in tandem to make sure that we are being the parents that she needs us to be.

I always assumed that we would be able to do that. It saddens me that countless texts, phone calls, emails, and thousands of dollars later, I see that we can't. We had a child together and no matter what we may think of each other at this point in our lives, we have an obligation to her and I don't think this is fulfilling it.